i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
