i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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