grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
