Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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