If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
