There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
