She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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