Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
