hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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