I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
