Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
