Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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