I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
