why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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