the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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