at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
