I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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