i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
