I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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