I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
