I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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