He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
