so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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