I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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