I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
