Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Naked. naked and bneed help.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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