Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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