Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
