So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
