Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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