just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
