my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
