i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
