so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
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