He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I need a burrito and a hug.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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