today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
