If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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