Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
