Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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