I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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