its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
