I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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