and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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