so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
