Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
