You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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