Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
