matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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