im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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