i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
