): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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